The Lainey Blog

Recently, I reached out to my former colleagues in the hopes of gaining inspiration for a recent blog post – 10 Things Cabin Crew Hate to be Asked. And, typical of cabin crew – they generously provided me with more than enough information, and then some. But what also happened was that they began sharing the most hilarious stories of things that happened throughout their careers.

So, because I couldn’t possibly do them justice, here are some of those stories, in their own words…

That’s Amoré!

Down the back on the A330, I came across two people – lets just say a newly formed couple, after a few too many alcoholic beverages. Well, the female’s head had disappeared under a blanket. I went to get the senior – I wasn’t flying long, and wasn’t quite sure how to stop the job that was in progress..
There was an elderly Irish man sitting in the aisle seat across from the new couple. I went over to him and apologised..

“Im so sorry you have had to see that sir, if you would like to come with me, I’ll bring you to another seat”

His reply-

“No, I’m fine where I am – Sure I’m enjoying the show!”

Special Delivery

I was asked for tomorrow’s newspaper once by a Premier passenger returning from New York. When I explained that we only carry today’s paper they then replied, perplexed…

“Oh, okay… So will you be getting it during the flight?”

I was so tempted to say ..

“Oh yes, by pigeon carrier obviously”

A Happy Accident

I remember an old man, travelling to London with his wife. He had accidentally spilled his hot tea all over his trousers. The Senior brought him to the back galley to assist with first aid by cooling the area with gel while we kept going with the service. By the time we had finished the service, we all went to the back galley preparing to take over.

We were met with the senior on her knees helping the chap, and the man in the toilet with the biggest smile ever! When we heard the dings for 10 minutes to landing ….his reply to us after being told he could now go back to his seat with the wife… “Oh, I am actually fine here!”

Sure he was!

An Unexpected Response

I remember when the complimentary pre-flight sweets were changed from lozenges to jellies. A passenger famously commented to a senior steward (as they were known then) – “I preferred sucking on the hard ones”

His reply as he raised his eyebrow was –

“Don’t we all Ma’am, don’t we all…”

Wake up Call

One of the most memorable stories I have was when I worked with another airline, and a Cabin Manager went to make a PA to the crew on break to wake them up in the crew rest area below deck. But, she accidently pressed PA ALL and (to the entire cabin) said….

“WAKE UP YOU C#@TS..IT’S TIME TO FEED THE ANIMALS!!”

A Misunderstanding

A young woman with her best Dublin accent asking me “Do ye have a Touchy Clit?” Then the lady sitting next to her (I can only assume was her mum) asked with her 40-a-day raspy voice

“And do ye have a Black Bush?”.

The look of pure disgust on my colleague’s face said it all. I think I may have wet myself laughing! I’ve never been able to look at a Radiance Touch (YSL Touche éclat) or one of our finest whiskey’s without thinking of that!

Turn that down!

“Is that noise gonna go on for the whole flight?”. I replied – “I really really really hope so”.

The passenger was complaining about the noise of the engines.

It’s a Miracle!

The ‘Miracle’ flights are great. OCS to the door of the aircraft and a ‘struggle’ to the seat with the humongous bags and duty free, and as soon as the doors open at the other end – IT’S A MIRACLE! They’re off that plane like Mo Farrah – quicker than you can shout evacuate!!

Who run the world?

I remember being on a Transatlantic flight where we had an all-female flight crew. When the Captain made the welcome announcement to introduce herself and the first officer, I was down at doors 3 and one male passenger said “Oh my God, we’re F*! – it’s all women!”

I approached the passenger and said “Sir, I see your not happy, so if you’d like to grab your bags, I’ll escort you off this aircraft now and you can wait in the terminal for the next flight in a few days time” …. Well he soon changed his mind. Oh! And after we landed, he was full of compliments for the flight crew – as he should be!

Bye Bye Baby!

On one of his first flights, a steward from my initial training group stood out on the back steps at the outstation to get some air. But he must have stayed out there too long because the steps were driven off with him still on them!!

Part of the Furniture

I was on my break and resting in one of the crew seats at doors 4 (back of the aircraft), you know the ones with the toilet right beside them. My eyes were closed and I had my blanket right up over me. When suddenly a man (on his way to the toilet), put an empty coffee cup on top of my head and then stuffed a bag of rubbish under my arm. He then proceeded to step over me and make his way into the bathroom…

‘Til next time!

Lainey 😉