The Lainey Blog

              Image: Rachel Coyne, Unsplash.

Looking back at my time flying, I tend to get rather emotional. I miss the camaraderie between crew, the weekly flights to the States, my yoga class in New York and walk around Central Park afterward. I miss the sales in Macy’s and my morning stroll after brekkie along The Magnificent Mile.

But it’s not all roses. There are many things that I do not miss at all – although if truth be told some of these things while often bothersome, only serve to strengthen the bond between crewmembers.

Little things, like the annoying little questions we’re asked almost every day.

Can I get a Water?

You don’t have to do your best Marge Simpson impression and act like you’re hours from death to ask us for a glass of water. Nor is it necessary to entertain us with the tale of the operation you had back in 1987. We don’t even care if it’s needed in order to take your medication, we’ll get you the f****** glass of water, you don’t need to sing for your supper.

Just don’t press the call bell and make us walk all the way down to row 42 only to walk back up and then back down again with a glass of water.

You’re much better off stretching the legs and walking up to the galley yourself anyway. Sure-fire way to ward off those Deep Vein Thrombosis…

Can I get a Decaf?

Major eye roll.

Decaf coffee is the most joyless nonsensical beverage on earth. Why on earth are you ordering a decaf coffee – just have a normal coffee! Or tea!

If you have ever noticed – crew bring two pots out into the cabin during the tea/coffee service.

Two!!

We then explicitly say “Tea? Coffee?” to each passenger as we pass.

You reply “I’ll just have a decaf” as if you’re trying to do me some kind of favour.

Now I have to stop serving the other passengers go all the way down the back, make a single decaf coffee, and battle my way back up the cabin to you.

What kind of favour is that?!

And of course, as these things often go, once one person gets a decaf coffee more people want one. Thus adding to the pure misery of the already most despised service of the flight.

Well, okay – apart from the rubbish collection.

Do you go straight back now? –

After a loooong flight to San Francisco, eyes hanging out of their sockets, cabin shoes hanging on for dear life, bit of economy pasta stuck to your skirt, and fantasies of blowing a slide at your allocated door for a quick exit in order to avoid the hundreds of ‘goodbye! thank you!’s’ and lockjaw that inevitably follows disembarkation, it is not uncommon for passengers (obviously trying to be polite and make conversation – which by the way is painful at best) to ask crew

“So do you go back now?” (-to Ireland?)

“Yes, yes I do. I also clean the aircraft, refuel the engine make the pilots’ dinner and pose for a nice lil’ insta-pic while I’m at it”

Again, Eye roll…

Any chance of an upgrade?

Looking tentatively up the front towards business class. This passenger can be spotted a mile away. Often seen dancing around their allocated economy seat uncannily resembling an ostrich, as they pine for a flight in luxury. Suspiciously eyeing any passenger who dares turn left at the boarding doors. Mentally speculating how many empty seats are left while simultaneously plucking up the courage (mind you, some omit this stage), to approach a crewmember and ask for an upgrade. Let me help you out here.

The short answer is No.

Oh, and the long answer is also No.

Don’t bother.

It’s not happening.

What did you give that passenger?

Every so often you will come across a passenger whose sole mission for the entire flight is to track down crewmembers who give freebies to friends (pretty impossible to give out freebies without being caught, but let’s play along…). This “eagle-eyed passenger” will have one eye on the cara magazine and the other on the movements of crew.

One such eagle-eyed passenger was shrewd enough to spot a colleague handing something to a female passenger – discreetly disguised in a sick bag. He beckoned this crewmember and demanded that she bring him the exact same thing she had just given the female passenger. Attempting to be as discreet as possible, my colleague tried (in vain) to explain that she didn’t think he would appreciate what was in the bag, nor would he have much use for it. But, unwilling to be fobbed off like that he persisted. Giving in, my colleague disappeared down to the back galley and reappeared with the prized mystery freebie. Of course, she had to stick around and watch him while he reached inside the bag and produced two tampons. Aghast, he looked up in horror at the crewmember.

Maintaining that professional composure, she smiled at the gentleman and replied –

“Will that be all sir?”

Mile High Club?

Puh-lease! Have you seen the state of those toilets?!

Airline cutbacks mean less cleaners on board during turnaround time. Yes, that’s right. This means (current covid hygiene procedures excluded…) that the toilets you’re using on the way home have not been sanatised from the previous flight making that holiday romance seem a little, well… dirty (and not in a good way). And as for crewmembers taking part in this so-called mile high club, to that I would respond – go and take a mile high jump off this moving aircraft. Have you seen how much hand sanitiser (again, pre-covid) cabin crew go through?! I mean we single-handedly keep bath & body works in business!

The only time you’ll see cabin crew rushing frantically to the toilet is to immediately tend to the hair emergency that occurred when their hair pins got caught in the lifejacket during the safety demo.

Glamorous Lifestyle?

Crew are subject to rigorous grooming procedures to ensure we are looking spick-and-span at all times. Regular spot checks and grooming ambassadors serve to ensure that the highest grooming standards are upheld at all times. This and the round-the-world travel will absolutely give you the impression that being cabin crew is one of the most glamorous jobs in the world.

But the reality is quite different.

The life of cabin crew is anything but glamorous.

There is nothing glamorous about being handed dirty nappies, snotty tissues, colostomy bags (yes, used), or rooting around the dump truck for dentures mistakenly disposed of.

Oh! I could go on…

Bottles of urine (still warm), a bra wire (yanked out from the bra and handed to crewmember), and frantically searching the aircraft for a tampon to aid a passenger in need (who by the way was sans underwear).

(Hmmm… should have added a NSFW tag…)

Did my bags make it?

I’ll make this brief.

I don’t f****** know

Where are we now?

Walking through the cabin making sure passengers are enjoying their flight. A window seat passenger grabs your attention by raising their hand and smiling. As you approach their smile broadens.

“Is everything okay?” You ask.

“Yeah” they reply. “I was just wondering- can you tell me where we are right now?”

What I’d like to say –

Seriously?! Do I look like I have a sat-nav strapped to my head? You’re the one who’s been looking out the window for this entire flight – you do the math! Did you not just see me clean up the projectile vomit two rows up about 10 minutes ago?!

What I actually say –

(Look at my watch) “Oh yes, right on schedule – That’ll be Paris! If you look really closely you might just see the Eiffel Tower glimmer in the sunshine”

Just to let you know – no matter where in the world we are flying…

The answer is always going to be Paris.

Talking during the safety demonstration

Yes I know – not a question, just a MAJOR pet-peeve. We do not care if you have seen this demo a million times already. We do not care that you’re on your flight home from London having attended business meetings all day. We also don’t care if you’re a very famous Irish musician talking across the aisle to another very famous Irish musician.

Show some respect!

The majority of passengers around you have not seen this demo and may be harbouring anxieties around flying, and the only comfort they have is knowing where the exits are in case shit gets real. Also, not fun for crew standing in front of hundreds of people wrestling with the lifejacket, or trying not to hit people in the face with the seatbelt (true story), and straight up ignoring the immature jeering from stag parties while you point out the inflatable tube (which I point blank refused to bring to my lips at any point in my career)

Special Mention:

*Female Captain addresses passengers over PA*

“Oh, It’s a woman driver today?!”

Yes Sir. We do hire lady pilots. And guess what?

There’s two of them!

‘Til next time!

Lainey 😉